I had such a great time with him today. I didn’t want it to end. Boo. Time flies so fast.

One more day and out with 2010. It’s going to be a new year. A new start for me. To be honest, it’s not that easy to just get on with life and forget my past. But I have this strong gut feeling that it’ll all be worth it in the end. But I feel so scared. Why do I feel this scared? o.O

I want to start off my new year by being a good person. I want to be sincere to the people I love and enjoy and be happy with them. No more drama please. I had one too many of those.

And here’s my resolution: To be prettier.

I don’t like it that he thinks other girls are prettier than me. I want to be the prettiest to his eyes. I hope I am. I know I don’t look perfect and it just bothers me sometimes. But the fact that he calls me pretty everyday makes me feel better :)

Sigh. Damn insecurity issues. It’s so unhealthy for me.

I guess the drama might drive him away. However I am not really bothered by it because to me, it isn’t drama. It’s life. Maybe, just maybe, he still has alot to learn about life.

I am a girl who thinks alot about it. And I take every situation seriously because I’m a realist that way. I don’t like running away from things even though sometimes it seems like the best thing to do because you won’t have to make yourself face it. It just means you’re running away from reality.

I love him very much. I’m not going to hide who I really am. Because the next time I get into a relationship, I want the guy to love me for me. Not for who he wants me to be or who he thinks I can be.

Nothing is dramatic if you don’t make it to be.

I’m just insightful about these things. It adds color to life. I am complex. I wonder if he knows that.

One thing that bothers me, though. Is how he views things sometimes. I guess throughout all his years he’s been too occupied with his conquests with girls that it doesn’t leave him much room for pretty much anything else.

Which is why I also understand why he feels paranoid about certain aspects of my lifestyle. Having guy friends or whatever. Being a socialite kills sometimes, I know that. But I love it because I love people for who they are. I do have my own conquests as well, I won’t lie. But that isn’t the focus of why I do what I do. I have real friendships along the way and friends mean alot to me. Be it male or female. And I can’t compromise that for someone else.

Cos in the end, it’s people that moves us along. Nothing else.

That doesn’t mean I don’t make him the centre of my universe. He really is.

He really, really is.

Nothing else matters except you. This is all very new to me, and to you. We still have alot to learn from each other.

Whatever it is, I hope you won’t get driven away by these things that are foreign to you. And I hope you won’t compare. Because the feeling of being compared sucks big time. Big time.

I can treat you like you’re the best guy in the world, which I silently do. I don’t really show it though. Not until I know why I’m the girl you chose to fall for.

I can make you feel special. I hope you’ll do the same for me too.

Like you said, just me and you. Just us two ;)

I have faith that all goes well from here. I can’t think of a reason why we’d stop talking someday if that were to happen.

No one else matters.

Totally loving the polar bear. I love it. Most importantly, I love you.

It don’t matter where we are, as long as he’s there with me, I’m quite contended. But I do miss those times though, when he was more free to spare his time for me. But then again, I do not want to be selfish.

As the days pass, how I feel just gets stronger by the minute. And as much as I know that he hates being too in love or hearing sweet things, I can’t deny the fact that I really do take him seriously and I hope in the long run, if everything goes well then I’ll be the girl that makes him the happiest boy ever. Because he is beginning to mean the world to me, although there’s no status between us. 

There isn’t any need to have one anyways. Taking things real slowly is always a good thing. Slowly but surely :) I don’t like being called a “friend”, though. But “girlfriend” is too soon. I guess for now.. I am.. Uh. Someone special?

On a side note, I wish a day had more than just 24 hours.

I’ve been meeting him almost everyday, but I still want to see him. 

He is the one person that’s worth my time. And I hope I’m right. After all the drama that I’ve been put through, I hope all of this is worth the effort and energy.

I’m sad that he’s busy. But it’s what I gotta handle on my own. And I think it’d be hard to compromise his time. 

Well, I love him. So.. no complaining. I gotta adapt to this lifestyle, I guess. And that’s that. 

So the boyfriend is coming back in a few hours’ time. God help me. I don’t know how I am supposed to handle this.

Met a best friend earlier at Macdonalds. And after listening to my story.. Well what can I say, he knows me best. He truly does. He’s seen every possible state that I could have possibly been in. And was never away when I needed a listening ear.

And he’s right. The only way I can be sincere is if the one I’m in love with really treats me like I’m the one. I need attention. It might be too much, but I love it when my boyfriend gives me all the attention I don’t necessarily need. It makes me feel wanted and loved.

I love it when he’s proud to tell people who I am. Without having to feel awkward or more noob-ish and feeling like it makes him look like less of a man. I love it when he tells me he loves me and that no one else matters.

I’m in love with someone else now. And he’s not my boyfriend. Yet. Well, maybe. I have a new fear. He’s too much of a person who hides the fact that he is capable of love. He doesn’t let people see that he has that capability. He shows it in silence most of the time.

I realized that this needs a little getting used to. 

It makes me abit fearful.

Have faith.

Everytime I’m with you, I really don’t feel like it’s enough. If this is really the case, I don’t know what’ll happen if I actually stopped seeing you.

I know I have to make a decision fast, because having the best of both worlds is too selfish and it doesn’t last. I am only one person. And I am well aware of that. I just don’t know what to do.

1. Safe and boring, but I know I’ll think about him from time to time. Friendships will be cut off along the way if I choose this path. I’ll be starting life back to square one, completely on my own.

2. Fun, and it feels so right. It is great but risky. And the risks come in big heaps.

The risk of the ex, the risk of being busy and then little attention will be given to me. It won’t make me do anything that’ll involve a third party, but it’ll make me real sad and I’m afraid I’d just be left feeling hollow and empty. And that is the one thing I truly hate. But I want to be supportive. 

High risk, high rewards. Really? It’s questionable. 

Sometimes, taking risks burn you. 

I could be just some girl that helped you move on at a specific time in your life, it doesn’t imply that I’m the girl you’re actually falling for. As much as you’d like assurance, you’re not giving me any.

And I’m not going to tell you to give it to me, because if you think you should, then you will.

All the studying is wearing me out. I should be sleeping by now, but well what can I say, I’m a vampire ^__^

On a side note,

It’s been a few days since we last met and I miss him.. Quite alot, actually. As somewhat happy as I am feeling right now, somehow, something deep in me tells me that it’ll all just be shortlived.

I ask myself why, but I guess some things just can’t be rationalized. I’m quite an optimist, unless the day comes that I begin to see that it’s getting 1 sided. And maybe it is already starting to. Or maybe, I just care way too much.

I don’t know if it’s alright or if it’s wrong, I don’t know, I was never a fan of ambiguity.

Well, you tell me.